SALMON ROE OVERDOSE

some times, in the winter, you get tired and you want to treat yourself. This week I took two trips to RUSS & DAUGHTERS and bough fish based products.

working 45+ hours a week sucks. I like to take the edge off with...

1. Wild Alaskan salmon roe

2. 40s of Sour

whats better than OKCupid... oh wait, cream cheese and salmon roe and basil on sesame bagels

also,
1. Pickled Herring w/ onions in 'cream sauce' on pumpernickel bagels
2. Smoked blue fin tuna
3. 'Cream sauce' w/ Alaskan salmon roe on pumpernickel bagels
4. Taramosalata on pumpernickel bagels...

Boriqua Baja Fish Tacos

In the bronx people eat latin food.

I went via a bike to the bronx.

Then I went home and bought sone fish sticks.

Made those bitches in the oven.

Baja crema jump off (mayo, milk, lemon, paprika)

Sliced radishes and purple cabbage. 

Flour tortilla.

Eid al-Fitr Ramen Chrüterchraft

This years Eid al-Fitr has come and gone; as is tradition, this Muslim holy day is marked with a super feast or "Bajram".

Chrüterchraft, "the 10 magical herbs" that makes up the base of Swiss Ricola cough drops, need serious PR help.

Ramen is a japanese noodle soup. Globalization man...

The night before Eid al-Fitr a good friend flew in from Istanbul and needed a place to stay for the night; he brought duty free whiskey and turkish cigarettes. This made the morning of Eid especially difficult.

Ramen does wonders for the soul...

Panini pressed bok choy and miso crusted pork in a chicken stock sesame broth will chill your stomach the fuck out. Onions, spicy peppers, and lime will fuck your taste buds up.

Chrüterchraft will soothe even the most raspy soot coated larynx with its "10 magical herbs". We added an 11th magical herb, for good posture, which compelled me to do a little research...

... As it turns out Ricola is holding a digital film festival in which the general public is asked to produce a 30second film extolling the virtues of their magical herbs.

This was our entry.

BIG STUPID CANDY BALL

GUSHERS

Don't try this if you have any health concerns.

Make a sheet of fruit rollups

Make a pyramid of gushers and ball them up.

FRUIT BY THE FOOT

Wrap as many fruit by the foots around the big stupid candy ball as possible.

The final product is horrible.

And it leaves tons of trash.

DON'T DO THIS.

DT SMOOSH aka "DOOMSDAY SMOOSH"

Some times you drink a lot (maybe). Sometimes you wake up shakey (probably). Waking up after a serious binder; one can feel deposited in a nightmare world described by many using words like "doom" and "horror". Real talk.

There is however a tested, tried, and trued... solution. You could call it comfort food but its way more like baby food.

The first step in preparing DT smoosh is isolating everything in the fridge/ pantry that is "healthy". After accomplishing that take all the healthy stuff and chop it up. Put the chopped up health nuggets in a pot with lots of butter and salt (the butter and salt is integral- butter has medicinal properties- like methadone)

Cook that until all the healthy fibrous matter breaks down into a lumpy paste. I've found that a can of beans (any kind of beans) added to whatever else organic matter makes for a way better smoosh.

Most recently I used celery, onions, olives, radishes, and garbonzo beans as a base; topped with anchovies, parmesan, and breadcrumbs. Its actually a pretty rank dish but it will make the feeling of eminent death diminish.

Also, getting jacked up on sugar and ice cream works... If your not into baby food. 

PB+J fruit loop truffle roll-ups

If god didn't want us to get completely tanked why would he invent Peanut Butter and Jelly Fruit Loop Truffle Roll-ups?? -- Trick question; he didn't. I did. -- Trick statement, i didn't invent this. -- Double trick statement, I totally did.

Peanut Butter and Jelly Fruit Loop Truffle Roll-up, or PBJFLTRU for short, goes great with a screw driver; it pretty much doesn't go good with anything else (I don't think it will ever, again).

Liberally apply Peanut butter and Jelly to a flour tortilla. Then, delicately apply some fruit loops, or whatever (so far so OK). Next, you are going to need truffel oil, I personally use black truffle because only bougie mother-fuckers play with white truffles... and you know the struggle. THEN, throw some honey on that (for luck).

I personally rolled it up in a paper towel, to not make a mess; but you should do whatever.

LUNCH IS FOR DINNER -- (cordon bleu edition)

People, kid people, can't get enough predictability. They like change the least of anyone, with the exception (maybe) of real old people.

If it ain't broke don't fix it.

Mannying one day, I made this kind of pita sandwich for a 6 y/o; he dug it.

LUNCH

PITA, SWISS CHEESE, TURKY BOLOGNA, PICKLES 

When, hours later, I asked him what he wanted for dinner, he said "lunch". I obliged.

DINNER

CHICKEN, SWISS CHEESE, TURKY BOLOGNA, BASIL 

Use tooth picks to keep the chicken rolled up right. Remove picks before serving or at least warn them.

BIBIMBAP SLAMWICHES

Special sauce: I used yogurt (but it tasted shitty) use mayo; hoisin sauce, fish sauce, peanutbutter.

Cheap skirt steak cut into ribbons.

Any liquid condiments that allude even mildly to asia (but hot sesame oil for real). Onion, ginger, garlic, cilantro, toasted sesame seeds. Let it chill in the fridge for as long as possible.

       : While cooking this bomb // traditional korean barbecue this bossy korean chick came up on the grill and was all "I love cr'king". She immediately took all the 6 hour old, sun percolated, raw grade-D meat juice marinade and dumped it on the fully done vegetables. She then gave them to people for eating. Seriously.

Environmentally friendly infused vodka

Doing shots at a BBQ can be quite a environmentally impactful practice. You use a SOLO cup to do a tiny shot then you invariable lose the cup and have to go for another whole cup to drink a minuscule amount of liquor.

Theres a lot of talk these days surrounding infusing things; vodka seems to be a popular thing to infuse. I'm not sure how long vodka has to sit in something before being awarded the title infused; probably longer than 2 seconds.

These two musings plagued me this past saturday. How can one enjoy a finely infused vodka while also remaining environmentally responsible?

Carve a patented infusing cup out of a watermelon slice. Eat the cup. Problem solved –your welcome.

people will for sure look at you and be like 'what is this drunk asshole doing'. A small price to pay for the earth though...

Onions + Potatoes w/ Brats

By brats I mean bratwurst not the kids... Jokes! 

Thin cut white onion sweated in a cast iron skillet, bratwurst goes in, a splash of JD, cooked a little bit on the stove top; finished in the oven (onions should be mushy, like Oscar Meyer mushy).

Fingerling potatoes got cut in half, the brat hardly curt himself: salt, pepper, olive oil, break them down in a pan then finish them in the oven... for crunchiness.

Broccoli Burger

The health benefits of the broccoli for sure cancel out the D-grade beef patty...

Bagel Mâché

Bagel... psych! 

• cardboard egg crate, scotch tape, news paper, glue, flour, sesame seeds

• kids, while not necessary, can make the process more fun.

A.P.B.

A.P.B. = All Points Bulletin = Artichoke, Pine-nuts, Bacon

• Boiled artichoke in better than bouillon, salt, bay leaves.

• Baked bacon in the over: hence bacon (if you pan fry bacon you dont get it).

• Poured bacon fat into artichoke (jammed it full of pecorino romano) baked in the oven for.... 30 minutes at 350°.

• Was gonna toast the pine nuts but didn't.... next time.