BIG STUPID CANDY BALL

GUSHERS

Don't try this if you have any health concerns.

Make a sheet of fruit rollups

Make a pyramid of gushers and ball them up.

FRUIT BY THE FOOT

Wrap as many fruit by the foots around the big stupid candy ball as possible.

The final product is horrible.

And it leaves tons of trash.

DON'T DO THIS.

DT SMOOSH aka "DOOMSDAY SMOOSH"

Some times you drink a lot (maybe). Sometimes you wake up shakey (probably). Waking up after a serious binder; one can feel deposited in a nightmare world described by many using words like "doom" and "horror". Real talk.

There is however a tested, tried, and trued... solution. You could call it comfort food but its way more like baby food.

The first step in preparing DT smoosh is isolating everything in the fridge/ pantry that is "healthy". After accomplishing that take all the healthy stuff and chop it up. Put the chopped up health nuggets in a pot with lots of butter and salt (the butter and salt is integral- butter has medicinal properties- like methadone)

Cook that until all the healthy fibrous matter breaks down into a lumpy paste. I've found that a can of beans (any kind of beans) added to whatever else organic matter makes for a way better smoosh.

Most recently I used celery, onions, olives, radishes, and garbonzo beans as a base; topped with anchovies, parmesan, and breadcrumbs. Its actually a pretty rank dish but it will make the feeling of eminent death diminish.

Also, getting jacked up on sugar and ice cream works... If your not into baby food. 

PB+J fruit loop truffle roll-ups

If god didn't want us to get completely tanked why would he invent Peanut Butter and Jelly Fruit Loop Truffle Roll-ups?? -- Trick question; he didn't. I did. -- Trick statement, i didn't invent this. -- Double trick statement, I totally did.

Peanut Butter and Jelly Fruit Loop Truffle Roll-up, or PBJFLTRU for short, goes great with a screw driver; it pretty much doesn't go good with anything else (I don't think it will ever, again).

Liberally apply Peanut butter and Jelly to a flour tortilla. Then, delicately apply some fruit loops, or whatever (so far so OK). Next, you are going to need truffel oil, I personally use black truffle because only bougie mother-fuckers play with white truffles... and you know the struggle. THEN, throw some honey on that (for luck).

I personally rolled it up in a paper towel, to not make a mess; but you should do whatever.